C-Forum

In whitewater, fear is a big part of what we do. Worrying whether or not something is going to happen. Since the beginning of my paddling career I have struggled with several concepts and feelings. Things like: "is this a responsible thing to do", "how safe is what I'm about to do", "how bad of an idea is this?"

I've learned that in whitewater, the term "responsibile" has it's own meeting. Because let's me honest...hucking yourself over a waterfall, or running a rapid in which people have died on....probably isn't concerned incredibly 'responsible' by the general public.... Yet boaters "responsibly" do it every day.

The same thing goes with safe... a whitewater paddlers definition of safe is way different than your average home-dweller. I mean... A Class V hairboaters definition of safe is way different than a Class III boaters definition...

Basically - I've learned that it's all about what you feel is 'safe' or maybe 'safe enough...your definition of what's safe is shaped by your paddling career' .

The ability to put fear on the backburner, allows oneself to push their own limits. Something that is a great feeling. Pushing what you were once not capable of doing, mentally and physically.

I'm curious to hear other Cboaters take on fear... go at it anyway u want

How does fear affect my paddling?

I must admit, that up until the end of my last creeking trip... Fear has been one of the biggest things I have struggled with. Getting oneself to 'Fire it Up' as you are scouting manky drop, after manky drop is mentally taxing beyond belief. I've had such a hard time with the "unknown" as 95% of the time, I am the only open-boat about to run the gnar, and fairly new at it to top it off. It's this feeling of..."gee...I have no idea how this is going to turn out"

Now comes the part where I talk myself into running the drop..."Alright...so I only have 5 consecutive 15-20ft drops w/ no eddies until the I get to the 40fter...which all I have to do is boof 10ft onto a rock slap, and plug a 30 ft freefall......hmmm. well that sounds do-able... i just cant mess up...but what if i do mess up..."

Then I go through all the scenerios that are going to put me in the hospital, when in reality...if I just boat like I know i can, hardly any of them would actually be an issue....but I'm thinking that... I'm thinking "what-ifs"... the 'what-if' game is the most taxing part of my creeking experience thus far.

After this last trip... I'm learning to start pushing fear aside, and become more about "Business". If I look at it... and BELIEVE I can do it...then that's good enough. It's time to "Fire it up."

In all the years of boating, flying ( including low level NOE with night vision goggles), and sky diving I don't believe I have felt fear. What has occurred is that I become extremely calm and analitical until the rude circumstances no longer exist. After I am no longer in danger sometimes my hands will shake for a few minutes. When determining if I am going to proceed in a potentially dangerous situation I look at multiple factors. 1. Do I have the skills to make it? 2. Do I have a choice? 3. What are the consequences to my family, friends, bystanders, mission, and myself. As I become older the consequences to others are increasingly more important in the decision making process.

Yes, we have all faced fear on the river. Well most of us I think. And it does play a critical role in our decision making when it comes to running the gnar.

When the GDIers start walking and scouting stuff it makes me a little nervous. But then, as I start the run I look at my friends and start thumpin on my chest and grunting. I guess I do it to psych myself into doing it and remind me that I'm out here to have fun. I then sum up all my courage and go for it. There have been numerous times that I've had to sum up all my courage to run a rapid. I did it a few time on the Gualey.

I do consider the consequences of blowing my line and having a terrible swim. But that hardly ever stops me. I personaly am out there to push myself and have fun. I enjoy pushing myself to the limits. The felling you get after Styling the Gnar is priceless. Nothing like it.

I believe that as you get better at paddling, your fear factor deminishes. Also as your roll gets better, it makes you more confortable on the river. And that too will decrease your fear factor.

For me its more about risk management. I know what risks I'm willing to take. Scouting is mostly evaluating the risks in regards to what I am willing to do.

The fear is still there, especially if its my first time doing something. Tony will attest to the fact that I was puckerin' pretty good the first time I ran Ohiopyle. But fear is easier to manage if you have a good grasp of what you can do, and what you are willing to do.

I think I probably ought to be more afraid of paddling than I am. When I thought I was going to be a trad climber, I would get up there, and just be unwilling to make the move, and have to back out. Of course, I was trying to learn without a mentor which is a terrible way to climb, but...

On boating, I've swum some unpleasant stuff (diamond splitter on the Middle Ocoee when they were releasing the Upper as well was no fun... lost my boat, but someone grabbed it for me at the next eddy. A couple of swims on the Dryway on the Deerfield were no fun). But I've also never run a vertical falls taller than 5 feet, so the first time I do that I'll probably be really freaked out. I sometimes wonder if I'm overconfident on paddling some things.

Shep

Fear provides adrenaline to the body and a signal to question. After paddling for over 40 years, being a physician where there is no way to call in sick, and having lost a brother to sudden death I choose which rivers to paddle and rapids to walk/run by the consequences of a missed line.
Young people think you are immortal, probably haven't lost a dear friend or family member from sudden death so you fly thru fear, down a rapid where you may or may not have the skill, but lady luck is with you.

We all make choices. I choose at my stage of life to make sure I will paddle for many years to come, harness fear into motivation and make wise decisions when swim time may be coming.
To each their own.
Happy Holidays to everyone!

Well said Wendy.

Mountaineering generated a really good fear and a sense of the effect of hidden variables. Oddly some of the fear now comes in the memories, a cold sweat thing. Also the loss of 4+ climbers that were equal or better than me honed my understanding of "lucky that time" was not skill or intelligence or a compliment to me.
When I came to paddling I had already developed my sense of mortality that Wendy mentions but to get here I had to pass through the eye of that needle on my own. So as I got older a stronger "sensibility" of fear developed, it's just the way of life, I don't beat myself up over it, I have a good resume of risk taken.
I don't know where the fear comes from, how it wasn't there on one day's decisions and is there on another days. Still dealing with it, but from a longer pov now.

Fear and Ego have played major parts into paddling I have done. Fear is good, sometimes it holds u back sometimes it pushes you.
Fear sometimes is for good reason, sometimes just not knowing. It is different for each and everyday is different. Sometimes fear is based on experiences that you do not care to repeat.

Ego has pushed me at times to run something I probably should not have- hard to walk when there is 5 kayaks and 2 canoes. As I have gotten older, paddled more,had kid with responsibilities the need to push for harder rapids has diminished.

The nice thing about canoes is playboating or trying challenging moves on runs with lower consquences. I have found canoeing takes much longer time to get in over your head than kayaks. It takes a couple of solid years paddling to become a solid Grade 3 boater and u will really understand the water. ( This time period may now be reduced with much smaller canoes) In a kayak a beginer can be into grade 4 water in a month or so. Then they have a bad swim and dont really understand how the water is working.

I do love the nervous feeling before running a rapid with consequence.

I also get a dose of fear or nerves when I teach paddling and have students running harder rapids for them. I worry if they will get through, how they will react if they swim, how my boat will survive and so on.

I tell students to listen to their gut, when learning it is a fine balance of knowing when to push, what is a real danger and what is just not knowing. I also tell them the River is always there for another day

Tommy have u had any bad swims on some of the gnarly stuff you running?

I swam Colton Falls(Class V+) on the Racquette in NY. This was right after I watch my 'gnarlz coach' Wayne gman have a real gnarly swim, where he ended up monkey riding his boat down a class V hole infested slide...where he eventually broke his hand.

This was my first REAL DEAL rapid...and now it was my turn. I had the lead it well (3-4 mankish boofs of 5-8ft)...when I say mankish, I mean it's not clean at all, there are weird jagged rocks on the drops ur boofing, which is enough to affect ur angle and such for the next drops... Anyways, ran the lead in well. Hung on to a cliff wall as I sat in flushy water, and let my pumps drain out(this is why for serious class V+...i seriously recommend pumps...just in case)

Once the boat was empty enough... I then began the final 'Colton Falls' SHABANGG. Which is a 30 ft flume/slide thing, where you have to avoid a keeper hole, and smash into a pillow....then ride the rest out.

Well my rookie butt didn't get far right enough, so I landed flat dab in the keeper hole. I began to surf...windowshade, roll, surf...rinse repeat...until I decided to hold a tuck underwater instead of rolling back up... I hoped this would kick me out of the hole... well I'm pretty sure it worked, only problem is... I was no where near my setup, low breathe, and disoriented... so I kicked out.

The next 2mins....i mean 20 seconds...felt like forever. I kept getting sucked in current seams, pillows, holes u name it... I had some serious downtime, several times.... This was the first time in my paddling career where I had the "i just might die" feeling.

In retrospect... the swim wasn't that bad. No injuries. Added confidence that 'things can work out fine'

As for the other big one....Pillow Rock, Upper Gauley. Which I had the honor of doing in front of 16 open boaters.

I elected not to scout with the rest of the group, as I had ran it the day before in my Detonator. And The fact that I was trying out a Prelude for the first time on the UG...was causing me a little bit of mind games.

I knew I was capable, I knew the line. "Fire it up". A quarter of the way down a 8ft wave hit the front right side of my wee little creek canoe. This knocked me completely 180. I was no facing up stream. QUICK PLAN B....aww what is plan B...alright...Im facing upstream... so I'll just ferry across this class V current into a narsty boily eddy called "The Room of Doom" with a boat full of water.

Well the good news was that I hit the "room of doom" eddy. The bad news was that I was upside down in said eddy. This was no good. As water was just blasting into the eddy, it would hit the rocks, then shoot down. This made it impossible for me to roll(and I gave it like 3 valiant attempts). So I kicked out, and was immediately shot down into the depths. The water is much darker down there. I remember seeing nothing but two rocks in front of me.... I thought I was a goner. I distinctly remember thinking to myself "Man this is going to be really embarrassing if i die."


Aside from that... I've ran a 40 ft drop (10ft boof onto slab then 30ft plug into pool) completely backwards(i know what it feels like eli...except I didnt have speed trip to deal with after). And have freefalled upside down a combined 55ft at this point....but into clean pools.


The funny part is... these experiences have an adverse affect on me than most people. I got it down to this... If your boating within your skill level, or just a little bit past ur skill level... as long as you use your head....you just dont want to get unlucky.

Unluckyness can happen to anyone, anytime. And in class V boating... unluckyness will strike. Hopefully just once tho...

And there is nothing that you can do about luck/unluck. Keep your karma high, and superstitions habit.

My way of dealing with it is to focus on my technique. Every stroke, tilt, etc., from the eddy on through the approach, don't think about the crux until I'm there. Some days I feel really sharp, like I could clean any line. Other days I feel sloppy, getting away with more than I deserve-these are the days I'll back away from the heavy stuff. Why ruin a great day on the water?

This is how I look at it. When you are "on" fear will take a back seat. You will know what you can do in that situation. When you are not, that is when you should listen to those voices in the back of your head. Some fear is a healthy thing

I almost always did real well once I was in the middle of the gnar. My problem was to psych myself up to enter the gnar. As I approached something nasty I would keep telling myself "it's only class III, it's only class III". When I hit the point of no return I would get highly focused and paddle my butt off.